entrancetomyhead

just big and goofy now...

2011-12-20T01:15:00.000-08:00

so what happens when you look in the mirror and you have no clue who that ugly fat girl is thats staring back at you in said mirror??? you, i honestly don't know what you do.
clearly i enjoy being a fatty or else i would do something about it.
obviously my issues are best dealt with when a big plate of spaghetti and garlic bread are whats for dinner, lunch, and most of the time... breakfast.
eating until you can't deep breathe isn't normal?!?

my arms are foreign, so are my thighs.
my feet haven't looked like my feet in years. i only recognize my hands.
they've changed dramatically over the years, but i suppose i will always know my own hands.

i'm embarrased and sooo uncomfortable!
there is nothing in me that feels sexy, i fear ive become the jolly big black girl!
i'm getting goofier as i get bigger... just big and goofy! damm!

coming up on a new year has me inspired...

2010-12-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

welcome to the wasteland...
is that me or an opinion of me? i'm not sure. years ago i would have been sure that i was a barren wasteland... now, i have so much life to offer. so many different seeds just ready to be looked after.

2010-12-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

if i tell you a secret do you promise to guard it with your life?
i think... things are looking different..
something is new... one thing at least is fresh and brand new.

2010-11-11T07:17:00.000-08:00

when i was a little girl
i thought the real world consisted of
and insistent that
beauty was the only way

so i knew that i would one day be
a beauty queen.
if not a beauty queen, a woman that ruled the scene

i would be a rock star or
i'd be a writer or
i'd be happily ever after with my one true lover

i am 30 years old... well young depending who you ask
i am a mother to a teenager
i am an alchoholic
i smoke and i work in the health field.
i'm single 7 years now and have no hope of changing that
i commited a cardinal sin... i got obese
i ruined all my shots
i forgot about the little girl's dreams... i can never be who she thought i would be

2010-04-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

i used to blog all the time..
not sure what happened..
but, things are looking up...

i'm blessed! not because i deserve it, but because, i earned it! and there's so much more to come...

i'll keep you posted.
i laughed out loud in my dream last night. i love when i do that.. it usually means, i'm at peace.

FIGHT FOR MY LIFE! I WANT IT SO BADLY

2010-03-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

i'm not gonna get anywhere in life as long as i'm in denial.
i've been through a lot in my life. mostly when i was a child. it fucked me up! i felt denied and rejected as a 7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14, and some of being 15 years old. 16 i became a mother, 17 started patching a life together for my son, 18 found strength i didn't know i had, 19 had a meltdown, but built the life i have today. 22 making my own money, paying my own bills, 23, 24, starting to get real, 25, 26 got my sexy back and was tooo much! 27, 28 started to sink into that damm ditch again. 29, so tired of my life i feel something drastic has to happen and i mean now! 30.....

i don't want to be a victim anymore... i used to really want pity and to have someone just rescue me. but now... i want to defeat this bullshit advesary and do my victory dance! i want songs written about my triumph! dont get me wrong, to be rescued still sounds lovely, but i want to see, with my own eyes, this bully go down!
and yeah, i'd like to be the one still standing, breathing hard, with the balled fist.

in my mind, i have real reasons to just hide from everyone... i have bad skin, i sweat when i'm nervous and then sweat because i'm sweating and then sweat because someone is gonna notice i'm sweating... so i just stay home. i get out and enjoy life only when i can escape myself. not that i run from myself but, i can't take this paranoid, fearful of judgement bitch nowhere... i can drown her out with alchohol sometimes though... so thats why when i'm out, there's a drink in my hand or on my breath. but i'm scared... i'm scared that i can't go on like this. not that i even want to, i just know for a fact that i can't go on like this. i'm not willing to give up! i'm too hungry for victory to give up and honestly, i'd rather go down knowing i fought like a lioness. i don't know if life is this hard for other people.. but this is my life. it's been so rough, and i feel picked on all the fucking time. i have a shell that surrounds me. i've never known life outside this shell. i'm so curious about what goes on outside of myself, but i'm so afraid i'll look like an outsider and besides that, its easier.
the walls are crumbling though. the roof is leaking though. the plumbing is backed up, and the shit is about to hit the fan literally!!! i can't stay here anymore. whether i want to or not... this home is condemned! i have got to get out of here or... well, become over taken. GOD forbid!
you know what? I FUCKING FORBID!
GOD, be with me.

an all time low.

2009-11-18T10:41:00.000-08:00

i feel dead inside mostly
i'm afraid all the time
my son has no real protection and there's nothing i can do about it..
its our new living situation that has me rattled honestly

i can't seem to shake this sinking feeling...
this "i don't know awareness"...

its not that me and the best friend parted ways, cause i blame her for a lot of this emptiness.. it somehow started with her..
she left me way before i left her..

i beg GOD to help me.. because i need HIM to hear me
i question HIS existence more now...
cause i need real things now..
life is real, and what am i without my base.

i feel broken down and left alone..
i have to rebuild, but i don't know whats gonna work..
i feel time running out and the walls are closing in...

the only person that knows all this is erica.. but look where she's at right now..
who can i talk to? who would listen without trying to cheer me up..
i don't wanna be cheered, i want results!
i need change in the worst way.

i know depression, i even know sorrow..
i know what hopeless feels like and i'm damn near there...
everything in me wants to let go and give up
but something keeps me floating...

i'm drifting closer and closer to shore, or i'm getting more and more weak and ready to sink.
i pray to be seen, not just for a rescue, but just to be seen...
but no one comes, no one!
not even my GOD it seems..
thats what hurts the most..

i was optimistic before i hit the real world, and now that i'm here... damm, i'm sooo alone!
GOD help me! see me! hear me! do this for me! please....

helpless in plano...

2009-11-18T10:29:00.000-08:00

So due to the rave reviews, I booked an appointment with DR JESUS
And to my surprise, He saw me immediately..
I pleaded my case and explained why I came,
HE looked at me with compassion and prescribed for me pain killers..
I thanked Him continuously and headed for the pharmacy.
After my first hit, I felt great.
And needless to say, the pain killers work great with wine!
The pills lasted I’ll say all of a week before I was back at His office..
This time again, explaining why I came, with tears, pleading my case, only again to be prescribed pain killers..

when does HE heal me???

Multimedia message

2009-08-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

put on your boxing gloves and step in the ring. life is a fight.

2009-08-13T09:46:00.001-07:00

fight or flight....

2009-08-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

my life is out of control...
i feel like i've meet a fork in my road.
i can make a decision right now that could make me the happiest i've ever been, but i keep standing there looking stupid.
if i take the wrong road, it takes me in a circle and puts me right back where i stand now, just years down the line.

i can't continue the way i am. its time i did something new.
i have dreams all the time of me going in circles and its been my pattern.
i set goals and then give up and get re inspired and then give up all over again.

i know what i want.. i know what i need to do for happiness but i'm so afraid
i've never been in this place before. i have real confidence and a love for myself and swag believe it or not, but i'm so far off from my potential its scary.

i say all the time if i would just lose weight i could rule the world. if my skin was flawless i'd be unstoppable. so why don't i take the steps to rule???

Multimedia message

2009-07-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

My newest nephew dee-dee

2009-07-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

cleanliness is a great reason to abstain from sex.

its not that serious...
sex is great, but purity is better!

personality traits to avoid

2009-07-01T23:36:00.001-07:00

self important s-o-b.

the ones that love to hear themselves speak.

the ones so wise beyond their years, they have to tell you that every chance they get.
you know who you are!!!

know-it-alls!

attention whores!

old ass people with the self esteem of an insecure 13 year old.
grow up!

fakers and shakers!

weird night indeed

2009-06-19T07:09:00.001-07:00

i had a fairly interesting night last night. a night where i spoke all kinds of truths about myself. tears where formed, pity was expressed and blah zah blah zah!

so i have this dream:
it starts with me and this asian dude arguing over where our daughter would live. he lived over seas, but i wanted my baby with me. finally we come to some compromise and i hug him. i, thinking we're in a relationship, give him a kiss on his lip. as soon as i kissed him, i realized something was weird about him. he looked at me very sinister like and stook out his tongue, it was green with vomit on it. i knew he was a demon. soon, a black guy stood beside him. i told them both to leave in the name of JESUS, they laughed, i said "ya'll got me fukked up! and further commanded them to leave only this time i picked them up and balled them up in my hands and threw their asses out my house. as soon as i threw them out, their entire family tried to get into my house. all my windows and doors were open so i had to run through my house securing it. the weird thing about the demons was, they seemed to have sympathy for me. they knew they were gonna take over my house, but its like they didn't really want to do me like that. finally they all somehow get it and force me and my brother out on our porch. i kicked one of the little ones and figured if i could kick all of them, i'd be ok. but that wasn't the case. in conclusion, i stood on my porch and i said " come ono man, leave already! my grandma is on her way home" the female respected demon said, "come on lets go." as soon as she said that, i saw an entire family of people/demons who looked like, " where are we gonna go now" like, " i'm so tired of going from place to place" they wanted to have a home, but they couldn't have it with me! one of'um walked away saying something about JESUS and i said under my breathe.... like " beacause you did this to me in the first place, your in trouble with HIM"

my brother rushed into the house and we cleaned up the mess the demon family left.

dream 2: i was planning a trip with a coworker and we had to get rid of this pathetic girl. we tied her to the bed, and i tried with all my might to light her on fire. i tried over and over but no real flames sparked. soon as i turned my head, she jumped up from the mattress we had her tied to and was no longer the pathetic girl i thought she was. i then tried to figure how i'd explain my actions. oh and most importantly.... before we tied the girl, i was on the road when a huge dinosaur just got thrown onto the road. he didn't attack, he just kind of landed and laid there... hmmm...

weird night! indeed.

the confusion ends....

2009-06-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

LORD i don't care..
i don't care that they say your story is a retelling of another story..
when i was 5 years old an angel came to me. when i was 6 years old, i saw an old man walk into my mothers room when no one was in our apt except my brother, myself and mother. i remember being 5 and running from a car filled with 2 black men who chased me to my home. all i remember was knowing that something or someone wasn't gonna let them get me. i felt a protection that i didn't understand at the time. i remember being 12 years old and YOU telling me YOU would bless me as an adult. though my heart is still broken, i know what that means, YOU are close to me. i don't care who doesn't get that.. i do! my tears sanctify me and keep me precious to YOU.

YOU are so real to me.
i will hold on to that until the day i die.
and i pray that when i take that last breathe, you remember me.
perfectly imperfect me, but, perfectly in love with YOU!

Multimedia message

2009-05-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

29years old

2009-05-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

yeah.. thats my 12 year old little man.

2009-04-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

re programming...

2009-03-26T00:44:00.000-07:00

i just realized something.... when i'm feeling self conscious... i send off very ackward vibes...
i throw a wall up around myself and that makes anyone around me feel uncomfortable...
however, when i'm not feeling self conscious, im "go with the flow". i can have fun because i'm not afraid of being judged... since i've been a little girl, i've been programmed to be afraid of people's eyes.
now that i'm a woman, i could care less about people's eyes, but when i'm self conscious, i'm a wreck.. basically i can get to the bottom of this "insecurity" issue.. i'll just lose weight. yeah, i'm insecure because i'm overweight, just like the rest of the fat people.. i have other stuff to be insecure about, but nothing makes me ignore phone calls, or spend saturday nights alone like being overweight... funny thing is, i can be self conscious today, but not tomorrow... i don't have to even look different, i'll just feel different. inner battles... thats all i'm going through. the old me vs the new me. (the old me, so anxious.... the new me, not so anxious) GOD is GOOD!

oh did i mention i've lost 5 lbs!
yeah, and it hasn't even been a week since i joined the gym!

speaking of butterflies....

2009-03-24T01:45:00.000-07:00

the caterpillar... After it emerges from its pupal stage, a butterfly cannot fly until the wings are unfolded. A newly-emerged butterfly needs to spend some time inflating its wings with blood and letting them dry, during which time it is extremely vulnerable to predators.

oh wow! i knew it... this is the stage that i'm at in my life...
man i can't wait til my wings dry! then its time to fly!

i'm thining i may need to start a new blog.... one that chronicles my fitness journey

2009-03-24T01:29:00.000-07:00

whats erking the shyt out of me lately is seeing little bitty, skinny women constantly sipping they're little bottled waters. you always see them with a bottle of water in their hands.. (it used to be you always saw them with a big cup of coffee in their hands) truth is, they not trying to keep themselves hydrated, they're not mindful of the miracle that water is to us.... oh no, they're trying to keep from eating! they're closet aneroxic's and its not cute! they try and present themselves like health conscious, health freaks when all they really doing is starving themselves.

truth is.. i don't think one would know what it is too be healthy unless you've struggled with weight. the true health nuts and fitness freaks, are the ones that know what they're body is capable of and have choosen to take the high road! and that in no way makes them a freak or nut... just finally aware.

i'm a bally's bytch now!

2009-03-23T22:38:00.001-07:00

ladies and gentlemen..... i would like to announce that i finally, after much soul searching and fear extinguishing decided to join a gym! i couldn't be happier with my gym choice and definitely know that GOD played a role in my final decision. i walked into that gym and saw my life change for the better. i'm so motivated! i'm gonna do it this time. i've been working out at least 2 hours a day since saturday and my body ALREADY looks better!

i'm finna kill'um!
you got less than 2 months to get yo shyt together... i'm back! and i'm better than ever....

i'm joining a gym!

2009-03-21T02:10:00.000-07:00

you can call it... inspiration if you want to.
but i call it GOD!
you see, i feel like i've walked into a new dimension in my life.
and this is the one i've been waiting on.
this is the one that leads me into the outer dimension! that final dimension where i am finally the woman i've been praying id be.

i'm a butterfly that hasn't started flying yet.
i was a caterpillar for sooo many years...
i sat in my cocoon for way tooo long...
and when my cocoon opened, i simply walked out.
i'm ready to fly...

who knows what i'll see!

carnival cruise! international style...

2009-03-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

well, my son and i will be on the sea june 6 thru the.. well its a 7 day cruise...
jamaica! cayman islands! and cozumel!

i'm too excited.
truth is... i plan to be the hottest bitch there! i wanna be a threat to any woman that brings a man to this cruise. i'm not gonna be a ho! oh no, by no means, but dammit... i want some serious attention! when i'm on vacation, i'm not my usual self, and being that this will be the ULTIMATE VACATION! i plan to really do it BIG!

problem is... i've got to lose like 30 pounds before the cruise..
this post is all about inspiring me to get the job done!
i think i'm gonna go ahead and join a gym. so thats plan a.
actually, its plan b.

14 years

2009-03-19T01:08:00.000-07:00

basically, i'm feed up!
you've been attacking me for the past year.
all your little punches, i saw coming. i watched them come right out of your mouth..
you hit me many times and knocked me out twice
but when i got up from that last one... i was done!
no more fighting, no more arguing.
you haven't liked me for a while now, and what's sad is... i knew it.
you don't have to pretend anymore.
i erk you, i annoy you, i make you feel bad about yourself... yeah... i make you feel bad about yourself.
i make you feel inferior... so you've tried to make me feel inferior.
i had no idea i had that effect on you!
it certainly wasn't on purpose.
cool thing is.. obviously i'm a greater person than even i thought!
well, not great as in "your great" but great as in... king tut was GREAT! lol

i'm selfish... is that all you got???
come with something better than that.
certainly that can't be the reason you've been at odds with me.
sounds like you're reaching for something to mask what your problem really is with me.
i'm not stupid.

its funny, the last time i saw you, i was on my knees begging you not to leave.
you thought i was trying to keep you from your, "naughty little adventure" but, i knew something was significant about that day. i felt like, that was the day we could've healed our relationship or, tried to. i saw us really talking and hashing our shit out. i tried to talk to you before about the weirdness i've felt from you since march, but you, you my old friend are very good at pretending... lol! perhaps i should of had that conversation with drunken you, since it was drunken you that exposed you in the first place.

well, you know what they say about those rotten grapes... you let them spoil our entire friendship!

okay, just so we're clear, maybe she thinks i'm fake...
i'd like to ponder that one.. hmmm... it appears that my haters love to call me "fake"...
because i know myself, i let that term go in one ear and out the other, but not before i know the heart of the person who said it..
so i'll leave it at that~!

2009-03-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

i just wrote a love song
and i hope i sing forever...

thinking and typing....

2009-03-15T11:17:00.001-07:00

Pictures make us stop and just take a look.

We get so caught up in living.. we forget to just stop and look

Music makes us feel

It makes us feel things we didn’t know we felt or could feel

We get a chance to see our emotions in their most natural state.

A song can take you there, so can a photo.

They are gifts.

You know, people have worked hard to strip television of its credibility

But, television is still the most educational tool we have

It entertains more than it educates, but even in our entertainment we are made more aware

Not everybody gets a friend.

Not everyone deserves a friend.

I’d like to think I deserve one.

At least one.

All the time.

If I gain a friend, then loose that friend, I’d like to think another was on the way.

We all want a love

A romantic love that is.

But who gets one?

its getting incredibly old!

2009-03-10T21:17:00.001-07:00

*long sigh* you pretty much know what this sigh is about!
LORD help us... seriously

my dreams today.... ahem....

Fungus
To see fungus in your dream, represents negative emotions that are expanding and growing in your unconscious. You need to find a productive way to express them before it grows out of control.
and..... To see a toilet in your dream, symbolizes a release of emotions or getting rid of something in your life that is useless.
To see a clogged toilet in your dream, signifies that you are holding and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long and you need to let go of the negative feelings.
To see an overflowing or flooded toilet in your dream, denotes your desires to fully express your emotions.
and.... To see or come in contact with feces, signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life.

i swear man.... all this negative this and negative that... all because of you-know-who.... its ridiculous!

you don't have to believe in GOD.... i do!

2009-03-05T00:07:00.001-08:00

i say i'm blessed!
not because i hope i am, or people tell me i am.
i say i'm blessed because, even right now, i can feel HIS eyes or HIS attention directed towards me.
i've felt like this since i was 5 years old.
how many can say that???
and i'm not asking, i'm telling you.
GOD is good to me, thats all i know.
i know we're all optimistic, or that we all hope for the best, but...
something in me feels entitled to a wonderful future.
i expect all my dreams to come true before i die. (and i don't know where i get this audacity. )
i'll admit, i've pick up some pretty ridiculous hopes over the years, but my basics.... as complex as they may seem, i know they're all just waiting for me.

i feel special, and i think everyone knows i'm special, and i've felt this way all my life.
when i was young, my life was constant pain.... so i found it very hard to accept that i was special. (though i felt it) now that i'm a grown woman, i'm grateful for those wounds i aquired in my former life... EVERY SINGLE ONE! i am the woman i am today because of the child i was yesterday.

2009-02-21T00:24:00.000-08:00

i look at myself, and i see the exact same person that everyone else sees. i'm not stupid, i know of my flaws. i know them all too well.
they sit right on top of my skin, haunting and taunting me. telling me i'm not worthy, and that i'm so far beneath everyone. i can't tell you the days and the ways that i've felt so inferior to anyone. anyone with smooth skin that is. i guess i'm having a meltdown again. i have these from time to time. but i can assure you of this, any person responsible for my "meltdowns" will surely pay! maybe not today, but one day. i wont through the punch, but they'll know its because of me that they've been hit.

at times like these, i'm reminded of how beautiful i actually am. and not in that "all women are beautiful" bullshyt, nor am i speaking of inner beauty, i got that too! but in the literal sense. i can even go for gorgeous in many instances.
my confidence is true. its undeniably real. i worked hard to gain this confidence. it took me many years to get this assurance. validation is great, but i'm sure of who i am. but dammit... i can't deny days like this one. these are the days i want to hide under a rock and come out when the coast is clear.

my skin feels like a cruel joke or prank played on me.
however, my skin has defined the person that i am.
and thats all i have to say about that...

2009-02-18T00:29:00.000-08:00

She beckoned for her son to come at her bedside. as soon as he was face to face with her sweet brown eyes, he began to cry. he'd been crying for days, but now the flood gates were really opened. "son, your my baby, you always have been and you always will be! i'm so proud of you! you turned out exactly the way i knew you would. i want you to know this, i have no regrets. there's nothing else i wanted to do. i did everything my heart desired and now i'm ready to go home."

layla had always been the type of woman that understood beyond her years. death wasn't the end, it was an awesome beginning. she did all she could to help her son understand that, and those around her, but she knew everyone comprehends at their own pace. jason grabbed his mother's hand and threatened never to let it go. there was something about his mothers eyes that he couldn't explain. something was different overall, he knew this was the last hour. "sheila, bring in the kids!"

maturing... at the speed of light

2009-02-17T21:37:00.000-08:00

not only have i reached a greater sense of myself and therefore, miraculously, a greater love for myself but.... i've also reached that point in my life where i'm not allowing people to get away with anything anymore. period! now, i'm still diplomatic as hell so i decipher the bull from the love, but don't let someone come at me with some shyt.. i put them in their place or let them know i'm on to them immediately! i understand most people have been in this place, but its very new to me. i'm a definite late bloomer. my breast are still growing for CHRIST sake.

2009-02-13T01:46:00.000-08:00

i can't quite explain it but... i've developed a carefree attitude.
i should be thanking my lucky stars and trust me i am... but its a little weird for me to literally not be sweating anything.. i'm just going with the flow in a way that i've never done before.
the phrase "do you" now makes more sense than ever before. i just don't have time to play with women who i think are full of shit or who i know don't like me... i'm not in "finding a man" mode, i'm not even sweating the fact that i'm way over weight, but i feel extreme optimism that this new me, wants to look like the new me, so i have work to do. i planned another vacation for my son and i, this will be an ultimate vacation.. 7 days on a carnival cruise to jamaica, grand cayman island and cozumel mexico! im overly excited! my son is getting older, i'm getting older... its just time to live life.. those who can get with me... get with me.. if you can't... tuff!

my inspiration

2009-02-04T23:54:00.000-08:00

first, my heart swells
then, i sense the blood rush from my thoughts.
as soon as they enter my feelings, the joy level rises,
thats when i feel the goose bumps.
a deep chill goes up my spine and provokes my tear ducts,
they fill my eyes with water and its at that precise moment that my mouth opens...
"I LOVE YOU LORD!
THANK YOU FOR IT ALL!"

GOD takes care of single moms'... certainly this one!

2009-02-04T23:47:00.000-08:00

it literally hit me that, within the last 6 months i have received the following gifts...
ahem.....
$2500 lawsuit settlement that i still cant believe i won
$9 earings, the cashier put them in my bag but didn't ring it up, i promise i had no idea
a pair of nike shox, just handed to me (and they are soooo comfortable and i wanted some)
$136 off my rent because maintanance didn't respond to my request soon enough
and now, its income tax time... so you already know!

GOD what else you got for me???

sooo sooo true.. every part of it! thank you universe!

2009-02-04T00:25:00.000-08:00

for Aquarius Jan 19 - Feb 17
Week of 2/2
You’re moving into a period during which you’ll be recreating yourself. Use this valuable time wisely. Plant seeds in a nonconformist way while remaining true to your nature. You’re likely to have swift and even spontaneous results. A health situation is resolved. Midweek, phone calls from prominent individuals have you excited about your immediate future. Financial abundance is on the horizon. New money sources will be revealed; you’ll find discrepancies working in your favor or you’ll receive a bill for less than anticipated. Romantically, the timing is perfect to be cautiously optimistic about new relationships. Resist your normal MO to jump in with both feet. Remember, the tortoise won the race! The weekend provides tranquility from a hectic, but productive work week. To bring you back to earth, immerse yourself with natural scented candles, incense and oils. Embrace your power!

aging.... how dreadful!

2009-02-04T00:14:00.000-08:00

turning 29 has, so far not been what i expected..
i most definitely feel like a fire has been lit under my ass!
i'm stable financially (since 22 years old)
mentally stable, since 22,
and stable spiritually since 24..(thus enhancing the mental stability i thought i acquired at 22 years of age.)

my problem is... getting physically stable.
if i can get my physical self on board.. i'll be un-stop-able!
right now, i'm a mess. and as bad as i'd like to think i'm not... i only deceive myself! i can't fit anything. i haven't felt sexy since LORD knows how long. its just time i get my ass on the ball...
tba..

an offhand silent prayer for deoin...

2009-01-24T01:42:00.000-08:00

there was this boy in my 4th 5th or 6th grade class whose name was deoin. ( he was the class clown.)
here i am nearly 20 years later still laughing at something he did in class...
he ate beans at lunch time, on purpose so he could fart LOUDLY in class..
i laughed the hardest at his "expressions" cause i was the goofiest in the class.

i hope he's doin well....

i do feel free!

2009-01-23T23:46:00.000-08:00

i had a dream today that i was flying...
there were men coming into my home to kill me (and the other people in my home or, was i in their home) but i knew i could escape them.
i slipped through a window and literally flew out of it.
i saw myself sitting on a cloud, but then i quickly came plunging down. (don't know whats up with that)***well actually, in all my flying dreams, i normally come plunging down extremely fast..
then i saw myself flying from one tree top to the next, eluding my assassins.

in this same dream, i was accused of doing something that a demon did to set me up.. supposedly my mother walked in on me having some kind of sex with some man.. and she was so angry with me for disrespecting her,( or something like that).. all i could do was stand dumbfounded and declare how innocent i was. later she goes, "come to think of it, it didn't look like you at all, it was your face but, i did notice a nose made of wood." (and something else she said) i was like "see.. told you that wasn't me!" then i freaked out.. a demon impersonated me! wtf.. needless to say.. i woke up happy as hell that it was all a dream.

getting this shit off my chest.. part 3 or 2

2009-01-23T01:04:00.000-08:00

you know... i just dont' get how anyone can have a problem with me...
one that i've actually provoked in them that is..
the people who complain to me and about me have no legitimate grounds to clown me.. i don't do anything to anybody.. all i do is stay to myself, but it seems for some, this is the problem.. i don't spend time with them... and you know what.. why i don't is best answered if they reevaluate their actions towards me. now why anyone else would have an issue is beyond me! well, my coworker... she may have a valid accusation.. but she brought it on herself.. i ignore her a lot because she is sooo fake. and in order to avoid goin off on the girl, i ignore her... this is her problem with me.. i "talk to her when i want to talk to her".. you damm right! i don't have to do anything at work except work.. next!
everyone has character defects.. i don't presume to be flawless...

i don't appreciate people soo eager to tell me about myself.. what problem have i really provoked in anyone? i don't get it. it only makes sense that they're the ones with the problem! they're hidding their true feelings and intentions by trying to break my spirit.. i'm sooo on to them!

harnessing my energy..

2009-01-22T23:47:00.000-08:00

my energy is remarkable..
so remarkable that... i pick and choose who to share it with.
and i'm doing it more and more as i get older.
i've actually said, "this person or that person doesn't deserve to sit in my presence"..
and i wasn't being arrogant either. i know that a person leaves me stronger.. more peaceful... more enlightened.. they even get a greater sense of GOD just from sitting and listening to me... and i know this!
unless they're a jealous bitch! but ofcourse... those people don't get me... they get an extension. they get a more simplistic me... and its soo unfortunant. i got enough energy to light up the world!
and one day, i will..

i have got to keep negativity away from me... or quickly confront it and denounce it! i'm gonna be a much more loving person... a sweeter person, like i used to be.. but not a pushover like i used to be... people have been working on me.. working hard on me to make me as hard, cold and bitter as they are. i see the scandalousness of sooo many people.. and i don't understand it..
they actually scene and plan... damm... i don't have that in me... thank GOD!

now its squashed.

2009-01-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

i don't know whats been eating at her concerning me (since march) but, i've actually had it.
mainly because, she won't keep it real with me.
its not all in my head and i know its not.
why would she say to me..... "you have so many insecurities L that you try to just put off on other people!" ???? where did that come from!
i completely disagree.. i've actually seen people with their own insecurities try and tie me into their shit. but i guess i look stupid and they think i don't know.

however, she's taking steps to getting her life more on point so.... i don't anticipate anymore "drama"...

this is my annointing.... and my curse

2009-01-20T01:29:00.001-08:00

its like i have a lottery ticket that i haven't cashed in yet.
its like knowing your way, but just lally gaggin for now.
its like simply walking though i could run full force at any moment
its like having a jug full of water but only filling my cup 1/3 of the way
i live my life at a 30% knowing one day i'll be at 110%
or... knowing that i could live 110% right now

its interesting that i use 1/3 and 30% examples... cause technically, if i could live to see 100... this is the percentage of life that i've seen and the fraction of my life that i've lived... perhaps, i should just keep living?

naw! i have it all right now! i'm just being lazy.

friend or foe???

2009-01-19T23:46:00.001-08:00

you know how you really can't say what you really wanna say, cause you simply don't want no trouble?
well all i can say is... i damm near burnt sage when she left.... if only if only i had some.

when she's sober she's my sister.
but with too many sips of alchohol or even a few, she quickly becomes an enemy...
i can't help but wonder, whats up with that?

is it the alchohol talking or her?
or horror of horror, is it both!

Multimedia message

2009-01-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

Driving his mama @ six flags!

us in an alternative universe

2009-01-03T01:09:00.000-08:00

j

2008-12-26T00:55:00.000-08:00

i hope i haven't meet him..
i can't wait to meet him for the first time in my life, but feel he's been with me a lifetime..
i pray i look into his eyes for the first time when our's lock.
i look forward to asking him his name and him asking me the same.
of all the men that i've run across thus far, not one of them do i feel is on "my man's level".
none of them have ever screamed "soulmate". especially when i get honest with myself. i've done a lot of trying to make him my soul mate.. creating in my head why we belong together.. but the truth always shines through..
kareem came damm close, but he's an atheist. well, he doesn't believe in a messiah.
people tell me all the time.. your not gonna get everything you want. he's gonna have some things missing.
but i say poppy-cock! to them.
i know no one is perfect, but "my man" is perfect for me.
and not just in theory.. he's the man i've been waiting on period.

the biggest house...

2008-12-24T11:41:00.000-08:00

the biggest house is.... feeling less than... feeling incompetent.. or not worthy of..
I'm finna knock this bitch down!
who dares to stand in my way?

tonya betta tell'um

2008-12-24T11:12:00.000-08:00

i'm the real-est!
if i think you aint shit, thats cause you aint shit!
and what i say goes!
i sit on my pedestal and i judge you.
not with a nose in the air, but with a heart that knows...
most of you are simple pieces of shit
and i surpass you!
i pass my divine judgement on you cause i see you!
better than most people see, i see
and for years i've seen,
you fuckers brought me to tears in my younger years
but now that i'm grown your truth is told!
your spirit hated me
and it hates me
to break me was and still is your motive

you see, i've got those hands on me
HIS hands on me and obviously... i'm favored!

my eyes aren't closed
and my ears plainly hear
come up off that pride-shit cause its bull- shit
so i can tell you what i know.

oh-whats that you say... i'm speaking proud-shit?

but thats only cause i know what i know!
and literally who i am!
so get off it!

and get like me and get assurance!
yo dumm-ass might got insurance..
but i said assurance!
be sure...or don't step to me
don't tell me shit if you still got questions...
i can show you better than i can tell you!

wisdom i listen to... but a buffoon i can't hear
i'm getting tooo near to my end time
so there's no time for foolishness..
be it 6 years or 60 years away.. i have no time to play with kids
cause shiiiit....

i'm the real-est!

inspired by a dream

2008-12-23T00:56:00.000-08:00

in my neighborhood,
there's a lot of condemned houses
and as long as these old, run down houses stand
i can't go forth with the plans to build new ones.

HOPE, be my wrecking ball!
tear these houses down
and reveal the potential of a new town

its time to finally destroy that which is already condemned
i'm ready to knock down whatever is decaying
whatever is spoiled and rotting in my neighborhood!

these homes once sheltered me
but they kept me hidden.
no more hidding places and dark spaces
no more crutches!
i say, no more crutches!

my entire town is ready to be renovated!
and i'm gonna start with the biggest house...

you live and you learn!

2008-12-23T00:48:00.001-08:00

you know what... i will no longer allow a person to label me as or imply that i am a "know it all" i am an enlightened person who only means well when i say anything, especially something that corrects or explains.

i don't speak on things i know nothing of. i'm not stupid! i would sit and be quiet while the people who knew what they were talking about speak. and ofcourse, i hope to learn something from what i hear. but if i open my mouth on something.. you can take it to the bank. however, i am human and entitled to some " ooops! my bad(s)!

i won't be discredited in this way!

its just a matter of time... but dammit how much time!

2008-12-22T23:26:00.000-08:00

now, i will say this...
it is sooo comforting to know that i'm not the only person whose single and admittedly lonely. im longing for my soulmate and i'll take no one in his place!
i'm sooo glad i'm not the only person with teary eyes and with glasses filled with wine toasting to the future.

i rejoice when i see or even hear of someone whose longing paid off.
and i laugh when people call me crazy.
i'd rather die waiting on him, than live disatisfied with any one of them (men that is)!

whats in you, that is condemned?

2008-12-22T20:58:00.000-08:00

GOD i asked you about a week ago, to send someone or somepeople, to me with a word or
(a thousand) from you. i want YOU to continue talking to me, but i also wanna hear from a human.
i asked YOU to give me some words to keep me going. i'm such an inspirational source for people around me, but no one seems to be feeding me. i am not tooting my own horn, its true.. no one speaks to me the way i know i speak to them.

i'm forever the tree YOU showed me in that dream or vision, i can't remember, and i'm soo grateful, but LORD i need someone to feed me. please.... i'll know its you as soon as it agrees with my spirit.

the dream i had about condemned houses, needs to be decoded.. i need help!

2008-12-18T00:56:00.000-08:00

i was drinking something red in my dream with this guy i didn't know.
but in the dream i did.
i was like, is this blood? and he was like, i'm not sure.
when i woke up, i remember thinking it was blood.
i was given a cup that i had to finish. i had no choice in the matter.
i remember drinking it throughout the dream.

so i looked it up....
it means i've received a fresh burst of power and vitality.
woo- hoo!
as soon as i drank the blood,
this woman stopped me and asked me if i had a facebook. i was like... i don't have one of those, but i do have a myspace (or whatever i said). she was looking at me like she knew me, and i could of sworn i knew her... the next thing i knew, she was hugging me like she had finally found me. the whole time she was hugging me i was thinking of my father and that side of my family. it was my GRANDMA ROSIE. i knew it was her. though she didn't look like herself. i could feel her. then i hugged her back.

i had a perfect day yesterday. it was another beginning.

2008-12-12T00:28:00.000-08:00

ikilledacat2daysago
ihithimwithmycargoing40mph
atotalaccident
imtypingweirdcauseitwasaweirdexperience

more blah blah blah...

2008-12-12T00:11:00.001-08:00

i cried for you today
well earlier today
i saw us expressing our appreciation for one another
and needless to say, it was more than i could bear.
all those years, you longed for me with the same intensity as i for you

how wonderful!
i wasn't alone in my loneliness

your love forever covers me.
until our eyes lock, i'll be waiting.....

another dream interpreted, i think...

2008-12-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

-Cobwebs-
To see cobwebs in your dream, suggests that you have not reached your full potential. You are not utilizing your talents.

and interesting enough... in the dream i saw cobwebs everywhere... but weirdly, i had a cobweb made out of metal.
wtf!
i know, supposedly this cobweb was created by someone seriously against me or trying to trip me up. there were specialist called out who were hiding out waiting to ambush and destroy the metal cobweb, on my behalf.

wow! i'm blessed!

i'm soooo over it!

2008-12-09T00:04:00.000-08:00

well, let the list begin...

1. saying i'm going back to school... been saying this one for years now
2. getting drunk with erica... too confrontational "don't make him your man latonya", need i say more
3. getting drunk as often as i do (alone)
4. smoking (bad habit i started when i was 16 years old and, i've struggled with off and on... )
5. disappointing my son
6. sleeping sooo much
7. not being active in my son's school life
8. being a lazy rt
9. getting to work late
10. not keeping my home "tiddy"
11. getting my heart broken by some guy who doesn't appreciate me

i was reborn when i was broken!
i now rise as phoenix!

music makes the people come together...

2008-12-08T00:34:00.000-08:00

Someone hears the song..
The words and/or the melody simply comes to them,
The choosen one that is.

They teach it to the ones that can mass produce it
Then, the world learns the song
When we sing in unisom we unite..
in that moment, when we enjoy together
We are one

october 20th 2008

i wrote this october 25th, 2008.... yeah, i was drunk

2008-12-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

I wish I could rejoice each season
Each season having its own praise ofcourse
Or if I could be refreshed and brand new
Starting over each time a new month is born
Twelve times a year getting better and better
For about 100 years that is.

I’d love to be inspired with every song
Consistently encouraged with every tune they play
Listening for lyrics that speak to me
Or just hearing to them

But:
I’m Restless at every turn
Lost after every corner
Looking for my way
Damm near every single day

Not sure of whats ahead.
and its not death I dread
Just, consistency

Making circles that trap me
Doing the same thing daily
it makes me despise life.
Not appreciating it for what It is

dream interpretation

2008-12-08T00:21:00.001-08:00

i had a dream, just a few hours ago, that i was on a boat dock, and i was saying to my son, "what did you want?" then i immediately followed that with " whatever you want"

-interpretation-
Docks
To dream that you are on the docks, suggests that you have successfully gotten through some tough times and emotions.

i can't express to you the optimism that i feel for my future. how i've done things that have hindered me, and have had thoughts that have stagnated me and how, all that no longer matters.

the last 2 weeks have been a blur. honestly something very weird happened to me. but it lifted.
i feel brand new. i've been renewed.

negative energy.... and for what?

2008-12-08T00:04:00.000-08:00

"well, i got in trouble at work saturday, so i can look forward to some sort of reprimanding when i get to work monday. i'm shitting bricks and will not ever be in this boat again! i have a new found respect and appreciation for my status. i have to take care that i don't lose my independent stance. GOD help me! "

i often wonder, why would any one want to see me fall..
why wouldn't everyone rejoice anytime i told them something wonderful that was happening to me. how could anyone be jealous of me....

do they realize that i come from nothing.
that my childhood was one of the worst that could be handed to anyone. that GOD literally was my only friend. i can't tell you how many times i sat at school, opening my mouth to no one, except to cry when someone made fun of me. how much i prayed to GOD, (at 9, 10 and 11 years old) please LORD! please LORD, help me! take me away from this life and give me a happy one. and how day after day, i woke up to the same thing... i remember saying, "GOD thats ok, i'm not mad, just tomorrow, can you make everything ok." and ofcourse the next day would be all the same.

it wasn't until i was 21 years old that i realized GOD was really looking after me and that HE meant it when HE said to me, "your latter life will be better than your former life". up until now, i've felt incredibly blessed. i have self esteem now, a confidence that i wear on my shoulders, i love my life, and hope for many years. (unlike just a few years ago)

why wouldn't anyone wish me all the best? especially if and once they know where i come from.

then it dawned on me...

2008-12-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

We humans come into this world on all fours. Notice how easily a baby puts his foot into his mouth. And lets not forget our first steps are... crawling!

to all the fukking bastards!

2008-12-05T01:09:00.001-08:00

with nothing
absolutely nothing to hold on to
i fell
shattered to the ground
with edges jagged and ready to cut
hoping to wound or penetrate him the way he did me
i was pushed!
he mistook my intentions
and accused me

fucking bastard how dare you!
this pain isn't what i'm used to
thats a lie,
i've been here before.
but not with a stranger.
no unknown has taken me this far and left me alone
where did you come from
that i would experience this rage?
and i'm not just going through a stage
he robbed me,
disabled my drive
then sent me into autopilot
damm you!

2008-12-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

every year they do it
die and then are given life again
with the change of season they do it
over and over their routine is
this

i got it!

2008-11-29T03:35:00.000-08:00

anything that you do... even though your body screams.. "no! no! no!" means you are addicted to that "thing". and you need to seek help, or do what you can to stop.

things that you sneak and do, you need to stop. if your not proud of "doing you"... your doing something you have no business doing.

if it makes you happy... it can't be that bad! and thats real talk!

william

2008-11-27T00:08:00.000-08:00

well, i had that dream again.
the one where my teeth are uncontrollably falling out.
i know why i dreamt it this time.
well, i know why everytime.
i have this dream everytime my self esteem takes a dive, or i feel down on myself.
i commited a HUGE sin!
i lead a wonderful man to believe that i was the woman in the pictures that would greet him.
the sad part is... that woman is about 30 lbs smaller than me right now.
she's me! don't get me completely twisted, but she's a more sexy, a more, come hither me...
dammit, she's a smaller me period!
he was incredibly disappointed when he met me and i couldn't understand why. (at first)
little did i know, or bother to realize, pictures of me from 4 years ago where still on my internet webpage.
i paid those pictures no attention because i've been adding pictures over the years.
i had no idea that the woman he looked forward to seeing was the woman i was 4 year- make that 30 pounds ago.
no problem with my personality, no problem with how cute i am, but a HUGE issue with why i deceived him.
i couldn't fight back. he was right. but it wasn't my intention to be malicious! i genuinely thought he'd be GA-GA over how cute and sexy i am. i didn't loose the ability to turn heads, just not his.

i take that back, i sent him countless emails.
ranging from "you're an azzhole!" to, "hey, lets go to the movies saturday."
and the cool thing is, he didn't just write me off like a piece of shit, or like i would have done him if the shoe was on the other foot. he's been cordial and has offered support on my journey to weight lose. i just feel so damm bad that i disappointed him. he was really into me, over the phone that is. and while our eventual meeting was wonderful, he couldn't feel for me what i know he wanted to feel. thats the part that hurts me. thats what makes me cringe whenever i think about him. he wanted to stop looking when he met me. i was supposed to be "it" for him. horror of all horror, he might be more hurt than i am. i'm an idiot!

my nephew... teravius

2008-11-10T23:23:00.000-08:00

i went to see him the day he was born. i lifted him from his mothers arms.. and placed him gently into mine. it was a perfect fit. i look forward to his voice, his hugs, his life.. i can't wait to see how he adds to my life! i hope i make him proud~

latonya

2008-11-06T00:47:00.001-08:00

2008-11-04T00:38:00.000-08:00

its easier to just let it happen
stop thinking about it
go with the flow
and
don't upset the vibe
but to hell with that!
its too easy to say and far too difficult to do
especially for me
my hope keeps me awake!
no sleep tonight
or the next night.
not until his head rests on the pillow next to mine

2008-10-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

i've grown up to become a hopeless romantic..
i can't believe it
all i do is dream of true love
i put myself out there with men who consistently reject my offers
my advances.. my notions..
they ignore me and move on to the next girl like its nothing..
its like they never even met me
like nothing about me was worth the challenge
i'm destined to finish last, if i finish at all
and thats not pity talking.
everyone i know has someone at the crib
even if they're not happy..
somebody wakes up next to them

i hope to give up on love.. or find mines like tomorrow..
i can't take it anymore.
i'm FUKKING BORED!

2008-10-13T14:09:00.001-07:00

when he walked through my door
he was everything i thought i was looking for
no!
correction.. he was the embodiment of my dream mate
tall, great looking, smart, successful, bulky but not fat at all
dreadlocks.. glasses sassy glasses at that..
he even crossed his legs when he sat down
the way women do.
i loved it

his voice made me wanna listen in
his laugh made me laugh too...
he looked the part..
and it hurts it wasn't him..
i still feel soooo decieved..
not by him or the last guy that tricked me.. (lol)
but by the universe.. (GOD)

"wait til you see him..
you won't believe your eyes.. "
well, i'm still waiting.

a dream needing interpretation..

2008-10-13T05:05:00.000-07:00

so, in the dream..
i find myself in my apartment or house
and realizing that i was still paying the rent for my old apartment.
i had moved into my new place, simply because i didn't like the place i lived in before. i didn't want to break the lease so i keep paying it. but i found myself unable to pay the money for the other apartment. that apartment made me miserable so i moved on. apparently i was doing soo well, that i could afford to do so. but at this point in my dream, i realized how foolish i was to just blow my money this way.

when it dawned on me that i was paying 2 rents, i also realized i hadn't paid the rent on the other apartment and the rent was passed due, (i think i had paid the rent for both places a total of 6 months) i figured it was so over due that, i had been evicted and had lost all my things. i finally realize i still have the key to my old apartment and i make preparations to go see my old apartment (That i had abandoned), but the key is broken. in fact all my damm keys are broken. how could i get back into that apartment and retrieve my things without having to go to the office to plead my case? my son or a child was the one that broke my keys.

i started wondering how i left the old apartment and if it had been infested with bugs since i left. in my mind, the apartment was left in a mess. i don't even think i cleaned it before i left. i started seeing all the things that i left in that apartment that i didn't want to lose. my mattress, and i think thats all i really saw. everything i needed was in the place i lived. so in my heart, if i had in fact lost all my belongings in the old apartment, i could just count it as loss. the only thing that pained me was.. the fact that my good name was in jeopardy. (eviction on your credit sucks)

maybe its empathy

2008-10-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

i'm really not lying when i tell you how happy i am.
how honestly grateful i am for what GOD has given me and done for me..
but i've been shedding a lot of tears lately.
not because i'm sad,
but because i feel a lot of pity for myself
i let the tears roll down my cheek not for anyone's eyes to see
but for my heart to express
i let her have the floor from time to time
and then i continue going about my business.
i'm lonely!
actually, i'm not lonely..
i'm just tired of doing it by myself
so just get someone to help you out right?
wrong! ank! try again!
i'd rather stick it out alone than deal with someone i'm not ecstatic over.
sorry, i'd rather be single
but i can't help but feel sorry for my situation

2:29 pm (day one) lets see how long it takes

2008-10-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

how am i gonna bounce back from this one?
i'm honestly hurt
he made me cry
the last time i felt this bad, terrence made his (re-) appearance into my life and rescued me from my pain. he was my man for as long as we were meant to be together..
he's still my friend 5 years later.

i'm not so sure the cavalry will be called out in my honor this time.
all i can do is keep my head up
and get smart (-er)

its gonna hurt for some days,
maybe weeks.
damm i hate this!
if i didn't think he was soo perfect for me
it would just roll off my back
its somehow sticking to me

update... the very next day, i was up and running again. it was my fastest recovery from a rejection in history.. thank GOD!

#5

2008-10-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

yeah...
i'm not too sure anymore
i do know that i'm getting bitter
and undoubtably angry
my heart can't lead the way anymore
i'm gonna have to use my brain to get through this maze.
the logical part of me knows how to strategize and will play if i shut my heart's mouth and allow it nothing to say...
today i'm over it
i am TOO through!

time flies when your getting rejected.. (and rejecting)

2008-10-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

the first one, i forgot his name but, he did work for manpower...
the guy from houston who was in love with me... and actually moved to dallas to be with me...
ken the model
the guy with the dreads who had a masters in cis who was packing big time...
the 1st gemini brian
then the second gemini.. forgot the name..
the most beautiful man in the world.. forgot his name too..
jamal
joshua
hugh
stephen
the two tonys'
the pisces ex stripper who rocked my world
the stupid sounding guy but was an engineer..
kareem
shan
igbo
magic
valenti
nathan
brian the preacher to be
the tattoo artist
william...
22 (+) guys in nearly 10 years...
how sad...

2008-10-05T13:53:00.000-07:00

preachers are to church
as a conductor is to an orchestra
not like professor is to classroom...

church should be nothing more than:
someone so disclipined by GOD (HIMSELF) acts as maestro, and keeps the order of how things should go when a group of people gather and all have something wonderful to say about GOD... if GOD is as real as people say HE is.. then, why don't they believe that GOD speaks to and disclipines HIS own children and that honestly, no one else needs to intervene.. why aren't people letting GOD be GOD! HE should be our only instructor.. as far as spiritual things are concerned.. church should be me.. and a great group of people doing things for our community (personally, financially and spiritually).. and coming together expressively to announce the goodness of GOD (tobijah) through song, dance and speech, in our own words...

does this church exist? only in my heart maybe...

october poem month: 4

2008-10-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

so i met the boy!
you know the one..
that one that i've posted about since august..
and quite fondly i might add..
none of my friends heard much about him
i kinda kept this one a secret ya know'
just rolling with the wave i felt the first day i saw his face
don't get me wrong.. they've heard pieces...
but nothing else

he makes me think..
i've pondered him more that i've discussed him
i've been concentrating maybe
i had a feeling about this one..
and i enjoyed the way that felt..
greedy best described me..
i took him in.. and digested him at my leisure..

in my loneliness..
i've been hoping for something..
when i fall in love..
it will be forever..
or i'll never fall in love...
my hope is so sincere and its so deep
he has to be the one..
that one selected for me
actually, that one created for me
inspired by the woman i am and the child i've been (and maybe still am..)

he hears me even when i don't speak
i talk to him with my heart and he communicates it back
or i'll never fall in love!

but,
he didn't like me...

2008-10-04T01:01:00.001-07:00

no poem today.
too much tension.
tomorrow's the day i've been waiting for since august of this year...
he's tall, light skinned, mixed actually.. dreadlocks, glasses, a nerd-but i'm not sure if he's the cool nerd i've been looking for.. he's got the sweetest voice i've ever heard. he listens to me, well, he hears me, it's not hard talking to him.

i'm so nervous!

october poem month: 3

2008-10-03T00:04:00.000-07:00

optimistic because he likes me
hopeful because i see a future with him
a happy one at that..

longing for his love
thinking he'll give it freely
patiently waiting to let him have mines

the boy makes me smile
he makes me giddy
he makes me believe

my dream

2008-10-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

2 women who love each other or once loved each other, find themself in a church at their own wedding shoving each other. they're both angry with each other for whatever reason, but, as soon as pictures of themself pop up on the big screen and how happy they appear in those pics, they reevaluate each other and they realize they are soo happy with each. they finally realize they really want to be married to each other... all i remember about one of the women is... perfectly drawn on eyebrows...

october poem month: 2

2008-10-02T00:35:00.000-07:00

you were made to be admired
everything that comprises you inspires me to be excellent
your beauty amplified is so hard for me to deny

i could easily lose myself in you

your my idea of paradise realized
a refection of heaven personified

the first time my eyes recieved you
i couldn't believe it was true

who and what made me so special
so favored i could be in your presence

i've been blessed

october poem month: 1

2008-10-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

i see his eyes on me
don't take them off please
not for a second
i'm about to dance for you...
fast
slow
grinding and shaking it to the flo!
i need you to know how sexy i am
how desirable my body is
and how lucky you are to be sitting right there, right now
with me
only me... and you

i see you... hi haters!

2008-09-30T01:35:00.000-07:00

you know what..
i have people that i hug, kiss and genuinely just love the shyt out of
who have been hoping and probably even praying for my downfall..

i also have people that may not be looking forward to my downfall, but they certainly cannot stand for me to do any better than i'm already doing..
now i could see if i was lying and cheating my way to the top.. honestly, how can you wish the best for someone like that... but i'm doing this shit the right way..

what does a sistah who's trying to do everything by herself do about all this negativity around her.. and what the hell did she honestly do to deserve this...

*man, i even have people on my job who can't stand me.. the other day, i'll just say r. was talking with l. about how much "honey" they get at home from their husbands.. and how i don't get no honey, cause i don't have no husband.. little did r. know, but, she did hurt my feelings. i ofcourse had to play it off.. i even said, "oh i got some honey" (knowing damm well i don't) just so she would leave it alone. before the end of the night.. r. experienced a cough that sent blood from the back of throat into the tissue she coughed into. she believed a fish bone was the culprit, but i saw her fear and her discomfort. i didn't wish anything on her, though she hurt my feelings- and it wasn't the first time she said something along those lines to me. i knew i wasn't just tripping, i know its not all in my mind!

how do people who have wronged me.. now see themself as being a victim to me...
why don't people get that this is a dog eat dog world.. and in order to survive in it.. you have to do just that... survive in it! how can you support another grown ass person when you could use some support your damm self!

selfishness is soooo completely neccessary when you got hungry wolves literally surrounding you!

having GOD on my side is the only way i'm gonna overcome whatever negativity has been thrown my way... HE put me in this boat.. HE's gonna not only keep me afloat.. but i'm gonna enjoy the ride! and who knows.. i may even pick up a handsome passenger to drift with me... i look forward to it!

when you get your hopes up.... BEWARE!

2008-09-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

i bite into my nail and ripped it off..
i haven't done that in quite awhile..
yeah, im seriously stressing out here..
i have like no money. i have to live pay check to paycheck for LORD knows how long. maybe i'll be out of this slump in a month or 2 but dammit, i'm not used to this..

the fact that i'm supposed to be at least $2500 richer, but thats not happening soon enough, is the reason i'm on edge.. i never looked forward to the money, well, not until they told me i should have it in 2 weeks.. now, they have no clue when i'll get it.. could be next week, could be end of the year.. i already spent the money in my head. so now i have to recondition my thinking.. so far so good i guess because, i totally had a dream that i had money in my mouth and i was choking on it.. all i had to do was spit it out.. so i did. i woke myself up only to realize that i had actually spit on my pillow. i threw that mutha fucka on the floor and was like "eiigghh"! LMAO

i have too much that i need and want to do, but with limited resources.. please help!

2008-09-23T01:51:00.000-07:00

TO DO LIST...

alanis morisette october 25th
maxwell nov 8th..
opera season...
color purple...
roadtrip shreveport...
dallas symphony....
king tut....
not to mention the dallas fair...

mom's belated birthday, grandma's birthday
son's b day, erica's b day...

oh my GOD.. i got to get my rrt license renewed.. do you see all the money i need to spend.. tooo much man, too much!

(SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE)

2008-09-23T01:35:00.001-07:00

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

YEAH! ITS LIKE THAT.. I'M EXCITED AS HELL! DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY.... KEEP YOU POSTED..

yeah... 0ct 1st... i'm still waiting! lol

don't know why

2008-09-20T01:54:00.001-07:00

well, i dropped my favorite glass filled with wine onto my bathroom floor because i thought GOD told me to.. yeah, GO figure.. i was told it wouldn't break.

wow! i was seriously drunk and tripping..

i guess i'm not as "spiritually tuned" as i thought i was.
MAYBE I'M CRAZY... PRO-BA-BLY-EEEEEE-E-EE-EEE!

best damm day of my life! for -serious

2008-09-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

behold all things are made new (again)

literally new and improved i am
the melody has refilled me
and i can't help but blurt it out
free
so free
finally free
the rebuilding has begun
the walls are being knocked down
and all the locks have all been shattered
pieces of rubble still lay, but they're being sweeped away
this day has been great!
seriously i can't wait to just begin
to start, to finish, to get it done
i no longer fear the journey and
i have no room for shame
the strength was given
so i will arrive!

i took out a lawsuit on the people who sued me and...

2008-09-04T00:03:00.000-07:00

not sure yet but.. that lawsuit that i had against palisades collection agency might have been settled in my favor.. i'm not sure, but i think i got some money coming my way.. i got a letter in the mail from my lawyer along with a 1099 form.. i'll be calling them tomorrow to see... i have my fingers crossed! LORD knows i could use the money.
just yesterday, before checking my mail, i was saying to my son " no one helps me, some more money right now would really help."

update on america's next top HOTTIE!

2008-08-29T01:06:00.001-07:00

thus far.. i have not come any closer to becoming a HOTTIE! but i have been working out consistenly.. i'm on my way.. i'm determined..

HOTTIE: cute face, slim or toned- curvy body, nice voice, great fashion sense and very fashion conscious, sex appeal of the charts... a little arrogance is the cherry on the top!

okay.. maybe i can go for foXy.. but i'm thinking a HOTTIE gets the attention from allllll nationalities of men! and that's what i'm talking bout! i wanna go global on these mo-fos!

9/03/2008
well, for the first time, i wore a shirt that i bought months ago.. i looked really sexy in it!
i also wore my louis vuitton purse! ha.. getting closer..

9/23/08
SERIOUSLY DROPPED THE BALL, BUT I'M PICKING IT UP! I FEEL REALLY GOOD FOR SOME REASON..

10/1/08
okay.. the month i always look forward to!
i'm soo on cloud 9 just about the way this month is spelled.. where it sits on the calender and what comes immediately after the month is done! just on feeling alone, and inspiration alone.. i feel like a hottie!! i'm still in the making though.. but this month makes me feel HOT!

pete...

2008-08-28T01:51:00.000-07:00

on tuesday morning.. i come home from work to find my tea bags thrown on the floor. i stood in the kitchen with jaquan completely dumb founded.. i was like " we either have a ghost or a mouse!" frankly i'd rather have a ghost..

as i continued to walk through my kitchen, i noticed a terd (poop) near my kitchen table, the size of my dog jacee's. could a rat produce this size of poop? i wondered.. in fear!

i decided not to worry about it, and just contact my office when they came in about 10 am. it was 9 am so i decided to just chill in my room with a sandwich, water and a diet coke, and ofcourse watch jerry springer.. i sat on my bed, and realized i was sitting on something.. it was fuzzy and big.. and it scared the shyt out of me.. i screamed and jumped up and ran for my fukking life.. you know what.. i'm done! i actually am bored writing this. i didn't feel like writing in my blog today, but i did it anyway.. long story short, it was a damm possum, he was captured by animal control, and i am a wreck.. i am paranoid, i can't sleep in my bed and we'll have to see how things pan out.. peace out!

self suggestion

2008-08-26T01:30:00.000-07:00

i've also come up with this great idea of self hypnosis..
well, its not my idea, people have done it for years..
today... i'm gonna try it out..
i have the best music in the world to play as my background..
i'm always jumping on the peace, tranquil mantra stuff..
and i can assure you that if i wasn't christian.. i'd be soo deep, you couldn't dig me up..

2008-08-26T00:29:00.000-07:00

i finally know how a girl can have soo much attention thrown at her that she... i don't know, let me get to my point.. :)

i have got to become a hottie!

i think i'm sooo cute..
i've heard and hear that i'm pretty, cute, gorgeous, sexy, lovely, beautiful... but no one says hottie!

so dammit, i'm gonna become a hottie! in february, i will have 1 year left to be in my 20's... i've got to do it big! so i'm gonna start now..

time to hit more bars... yah!

2008-08-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

drinking isn't as fun as it used to be
i could sit on my couch and have some wine.. and literally go to cloud 9
now, its just boring
i even tried to graduate to real liquor, but that didn't do it either!
in fact, the tequila i bought put me in a sour mood
i had an angry or drowsy or unenthuased drunk..
i suppose as far as my drinking goes, drinking at home alone has lost its sizzle...'
it fizzled!
i'm not even sad..
i do recall the last time i was drinking in a bar.. how much fun it was..
maybe its time to hit the bars when i want a drink!
i think drinking has become sociable for me again..
and not something i enjoy doing alone
well, not anymore..

lol

2008-08-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

so, i woke up dancing today.
i was asleep, my alarm went off and i guess that was my cue.
i felt like i was in the middle of partying with my upstairs neighbors.
i could hear music that wasn't coming from them, but rather from my phone..
i had to laugh at myself..
i felt exceptionally happy..

the ups and downs of holding on...

2008-08-22T01:44:00.000-07:00

when i see his face
i'll embrace him as mine

i'm getting scared
what if he doesn't reveal himself?

if he's not real
who the hell have i been dreaming of all these years!

i have to stay convinced that i too have one..
thats all i need is one
i'm not greedy..

how can i not have a man!
honestly, i am totally relationship material

you know what.. i see why i don't have a man..
i got to many damm flaws..

all men are dogs.. they suck ass!

my man is my soul mate..
point blank
i will not settle for less than my match

soul mates? maybe i am a fool..

1994 life in crest a (the name of our apartments)

2008-08-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

mom had just gotten back
finally with mom after years of being under grandma's jurisdiction
amazed at how unafraid i was to return to her
when i was a little girl, living with mom again was a nightmare
i wore my hair in a very peculiar hairstyle, but it was mine
i remember the short shorts and only wearing them because i got attention in'um

i remember my first kiss
well my first tongue kiss
he was 21 and i was only14 years old
we would be on the side of my apartments for what seemed like hours
when he left, i remember feeling sticky (from him), wet, and my lips would be sore
he would hold me so tight and he always placed one of my legs around him
it was the first time that i really got horny i believe
his "member" was relatively large.. and it seemed to always drip.. lol
he would pull it out and make me touch it..
and i had no problem doing it..
he was supposed to be my first
but it didn't work that way
i still to this day wonder what happened..
or what if he would've been my first..
i think his name was Charles..

DALE...
there was this guy that i meet just a little bit before i meet charles.
Dale was the cutest guy that i've been with.. he was much taller than me, pecan colored brown and the lightest brown eyes i've ever seen..
looking at him was just a thrill within itself.
i think he was 14 years old too.
anyway, i had just meet the girl who lived upstairs and across the hall from me.
i think she was a couple years older than me.. anyway, i couldn't figure out why she liked me so much.. but she wanted me to come over to her place all the time. one day, she introduced me to her cousin Dale.. i was floored, he was sooo beautiful!
all i remember after meeting him was, being on my cycle, and being on my way to my new friend's house to see dale.. her parents were away.. it was also the first time that i attempted a tampon too.. for a long time, i couldn't figure out why women talked about how comfortable they were.. it was horrible! all i remember was, a part of the stick was still in me.. i never took it out. yeah , i should've read the instructions first.. i ran up to see dale and hoped that we would at least kiss.. and goose.. (clothes on) after all, i was still a virgin.. so i roll up there and what i remember was being in the bed under the covers with dale.. he was sooo beautiful.. he was rubbing all over me, and was trying to put his face in between my legs. ofcourse i couldn't let him, but man he wanted too.. DAMMIT! he wanted to put himself into myself, but i told him no. he let it go and we were up and out of the bed in no time.. one of my biggest regrets to this day. i wish i could've fukked his brains out..

shaky...
wow, that name speaks for itself. shaky was my downstairs neighbor. he smoked weed in the morning and all throughout the day. he seemed nervous all the time, thus the name shaky was given to him.. lol
he wasn't that cute, but he was my type. he was dark skinned, tall, and soooo skinny.
he would come over and we would "goose" i was still a virgin and was definitely not gonna give it to him.. i can remember us "goosing" maybe 5 times, then it just died off.. i didn't like goosing him very much.. i wonder how he's doin..